She was the only girl who ever made me nervous. There was this look she used to give me. I can’t explain it. We would be in conversation, or sitting across from each other in class, and she would look up at me with those big green eyes. I never knew what to say when she did that. It was like she was taking the words right out of me, like I didn’t even need to say anything. I never saw her look at anyone else like that. Was it love, was it compassion, was it understanding, was it sympathy, was she just fucking with me?

That was a long time ago. She moved away, we grew apart, and our lives took us on different paths. I missed her a lot over the years, and I never thought she would come back. My phone rings. “You know I moved back up here a few days ago,” she says.

Sitting on her couch, countless years between us and a lifetime apart, she gave me that look tonight.

I was 14 all over again.

“How come you never talked to me in high school?” she asked.

“Because of your stunning good looks,” I told her. Curiously I asked, “Well, how come you never talked to me in high school?”

“Because you were older, and you were just so cool.”

I always find these things out way too late, I thought to myself. No matter.

My face is numb and the night is young.

Of all the nights to choose. I finally make the decision to break down and throw away my abstinence from alcohol. What has it been, a year or more? I think I drank a Heineken in some piss poor bar last October. After weeks of boredom, apathy, repetition, depression, frustration, boredom, boredom, and more boredom, I finally say fuck it. I am going to get drunk and I am going to enjoy it and it will be completely glorious to feel something other than what I am feeling now, health be damned.

And they leave me nothing but White Zinfandel sitting on the kitchen counter.

Some things are just not meant to be.

I just deleted a rather lengthy blog which was unbelievably depressing. So instead, I’ll just say this.

I know I’m not alone in feeling like something is missing during the holiday season. The happy go lucky glitter and glow of the holidays seems to rub it in just a little extra. Maybe it’s friends, maybe it’s family, perhaps it’s a special loved one, or maybe you just don’t have enough money to buy the gifts you want. Mix and match, pick and choose.

To everyone who can relate, to everyone who feels like there is something more to find, I wish you the best. Don’t give up. Be thankful for what you do have, but don’t trick yourself into believing you deserve any less than anyone else.

May next year be everything we want, and more. Let it be our best yet.

Happy holidays.

10. Cinematic Sunrise - A Coloring Storybook and Long Playing Record EP

9. Valencia - We All Need A Reason To Believe

8. M83 - Saturdays=Youth

7. The Gaslight Anthem - The ‘59 Sound

6. Rookie Of The Year - Sweet Attention

5. Fall Out Boy - Folie A Deux

4. The Academy Is - Fast Times At Barrington High

3. Jack’s Mannequin - The Glass Passenger

2. Butch Walker - Sycamore Meadows

1. Lydia - Illuminate